Is there anybody out there?

Well, so I’ve finally gotten around to putting up a blog. I’ve been threatening to do this for the past two years now. I have no idea how often I’ll be updating it, but I’ll try at least once a week.

Here we go!

Terrible phrases about cats

  • Cat: The other white meat.
  • Cats almost always blink when hit with a hammer.
  • Cats are terrible swimmers with weights on their collars.
  • Cats: The ultimate hollow point target.
  • A cat will always chase its tail when it’s stapled to its nose.
  • Dried cats make good firewood.
  • Cats: Not just for breakfast anymore.

Some really good expressions for the stressed and irritated...

  • Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!
  • You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing‽
  • How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
  • Well this day was a total waste of make-up
  • Well aren’t we a Bloody ray of sunshine?
  • Don’t bother me, I’m living happily ever after.
  • Do I look like a Fucking people’s person!
  • This isn’t an office. It’s HELL with flourescent lighting
  • I started out with nothing & still have most of it left
  • I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me
  • YOU!… off my planet!
  • Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose
  • Practise random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of selfcontrol
  • Errors have been made. Others will be blamed
  • And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be…?
  • I’m not crazy. I’ve been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
  • Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
  • Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed
  • Do they ever shut up on your planet?
  • I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable
  • Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realise you haven’t gone to sleep yet
  • Back off! You’re standing in my aura.
  • Don’t worry. I forgot your name too.
  • I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
  • I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
  • Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it.
  • Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
  • Wait… I’m trying to imagine you with a personality
  • Chaos, panic and disorder… my work here is done.
  • Ambivalent? Well yes and no.
  • You look like shit. Is that the style now?
  • Earth is full. Go home.
  • Aw, did I step on your poor itty bitty ego?
  • I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
  • A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.
  • You are depriving some village of an idiot.

25 Truths of Life

  • If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
  • Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
  • Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
  • My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
  • Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
  • It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
  • For every action, there is an equal and opposite Government program.
  • If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
  • Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
  • A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
  • Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
  • Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!
  • No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
  • A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
  • Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
  • Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
  • Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
  • There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
  • Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
  • By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
  • Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
  • Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
  • It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.