- If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
- Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
- Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
- My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
- Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
- It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite Government program.
- If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
- Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
- A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
- Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!
- No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
- Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
- Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
- Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
- Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
- By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
- Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
- Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
- It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.